Obama Appoints Commission to Study Wrestling Terminology

Story Highlights
  • Congressional duel over "duals vs duels"
  • Are placewinners really finalists?
  • Seeded, seated, or something else?
    • (PNN) - April 1, 2009 -- President Barack Obama has announced plans to form a bipartisan commission to make recommendations regarding the standardization of wrestling terminology.

    Speaking from the Oval Office, the President proclaimed "We can be one people, reaching for what's possible, building that more perfect union - but only if some weenies will just stop referring to a wrestling 'dual' as a 'duel.' I hope we can change all that, because, after all, that's what I'm all about -- hope and change."





    Protest march staged by the Pro-Duel faction in downtown Kingwood West Virginia.     		The President's remarks were in reference to worldwide confusion over a number of wrestling terminological inexactitudes: for example, whether five wrestling teams in one gymnasium constitute a "Duel Meet" or a "Dual Meet." Partisans from both sides of the controversy have sharpened their rhetoric in recent months, and the controversy has spilled over into the streets.

    Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) took issue with the President. "If two people get together to compete, whether it is a wrestling match or a sword fight, then it is a 'duel.' Dual refers to how many tires you have on the back end of your pick-up. The American people understand that."

    House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca), leader of the "pro-dual" faction in Congress, had urged bipartisan support for her bill which would require use of the word "dual" when referring to wrestling events. "We respect the position of the Republican minority on this issue, even though they are a bunch of egg-sucking ignorant heathens who couldn't pour pee-pee out of a boot if the directions were on the heel. But the time for being nice is over -- we must take a strong stand on the issue."

    Meanwhile, growing citizen unrest continues over the question of whether all placewinners at a wrestling tournament -- or just the two wrestlers in the championship match -- may properly be referred to as "finalists." Last week's "million-wrestling-mom-march" in Washington D.C. focused much debate on this issue, as leaders from around the country articulated their position on this question.

    RainbowPUSH Coalition leader Rev. Jesse Jackson, organizer of the "million-wrestling-mom-march" proclaimed "Today's placewinners are tomorrow's breadwinners. If you have diarrhea, take Imodium - if you are a finalist, you take the podium."

    Conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, in response to Jackson's pronouncement, noted "I don't know why Jesse Jackson feels the need to weigh-in on this issue. There is only one finalist at a wrestling tournament - the champion. Everybody else is a loser."

    In reply to Limbaugh's comment, Jackson noted "See what I mean? He said I "weighed-in" on this issue. Everybody knows that you "weigh-in" at a wrestling tournament, not at a political debate. Limbaugh wants to deny millions of American youth a seat at the table of wrestling equity."

    Wrestling moms form a "human chain of finalism" at the D.C. march last week.
    However, this back and forth rhetoric only heightened the terminology confusion. Jackson made his reply to Limbaugh's remarks while addressing thousands of wrestling moms at a rally on the final day of the march on Washington. Hundreds of youth wrestlers who had accompanied their mothers to the march, upon hearing the words "weigh-in," immediately ran to nearby bathrooms and stripped down to their BVDs, looking for a set of digital scales.

    In the midst of the confusion, Jackson tried to back-track on his comment. "No, I didn't say it was time to weigh-in; I was simply pointing out that everybody deserves a seat at the table of wrestling equity." Unfortunately, only more confusion ensued as a result of use of the word "seat," as many in the "pro-seed" faction began to chant "Wrestlers are seeded - not seated." A brief skirmish between the "pro-seeded" and "pro-seated" factions ensued, and the D.C. riot police were called to restore order.

    The new study group commissioned by President Obama, termed the Wrestling Analysis of Standard Terms and Euphemisms, (the WASTE commission) was directed to issue a final report no later than April 1, 2010.